A Checklist for Intimacy

1. Tell your entire life story, taking about three hours each.

2. Tell each other your complete sexual history including how many people you have had sex with, what gender they were and the details of what you did with them.

3. Masturbate to orgasm in front of each other with no assistance from each other.

4. Tell each other of any affairs, near-affairs, necking, arousal, daydream, or flirtation you have engaged in since you have known each other.

5. Take turns with half-hour monologues in which one of you agrees to be silent for thirty minutes while the other speaks. Tell your partner everything you resent them for and everything you appreciate them for. After you have both taken a turn, talk about the monologues for at least a half an hour.

--Brad Blanton

"I am still amazed at how normally intelligent people who have been living together or married and having sex for years still can't talk to each other about fucking. Most couples haven't told each other about their sexual history, much less their current involvements."

"Whether you are monogamous or polygamous is not the most critical factor in having a successful relationship. Whether or not you tell the truth is."

Breakdown

First of all, I am highly sexual. I love sex and I'm pretty gifted at lovemaking. I believe that passion is the lifeblood of a relationship, and indeed sexual connection is the backbone. Romance, intimacy, and physical chemistry are of extreme importance to me.

Second, I am very loyal. I'm caring and reliable. A bit shy, but grounded. What I really desire is a woman who is ambitious and capable, but also dependable. I want nothing more than to share my sexual and sensual life with someone who will actually stick around.

I am skilled at awakening a woman's senses and enticing her to live passionately. She learns and grows as a sexy woman embracing her desire. Then she leaves at the slightest minor difficulty. Right when I needed her most for my own learning and growth.

They say before any breakthrough there is a breakdown.

At this point, I am only interested in a connection that is sensual and physical, but also likely to last. Where is the woman who can handle the intensity of both intimacy and commitment?

Rare indeed.

Massage > Dance

Here's a question to take in field:

Say you meet two guys -- all else being equal -- which guy would you pick: The one who is an amazing dancer? Or the one who gives incredible massages?

For real, ask girls this. But how about you?

Would you rather have a girlfriend who could dance or a girlfriend who could make you feel fantastic with her hands?

Both dance and massage are forms of nonverbal communication.

Both are art forms.
Both are forms of self-expression.
Both are practiced in every culture worldwide.
Both seem to indicate how skilled a person would be at sex.

What's interesting is when guys find the community and they really focus on self-improvement and self-expression, they often decide to take dance classes.

I think this is great. You're getting more connected with your own body and you're pushing your comfort zone.

But how applicable is dance as a seduction skill?

I am here to tell you that learning to dance is another one of those social misdirections that has no relevance to the skillset of seduction. Guys are led to believe that it is far more important than it actually is.

Dancing is social. Massage is seductive.

It's no wonder that guys would choose dance classes over massage classes. All you have to do is go to a club and you see all these people dancing! It's visual. It looks seductive.

But dancing is actually social. It's public. Formal dancing is the hallmark of social grace. All things social are about exposure and opportunity. Social things are about attraction, not arousal.

Rarely do you see someone giving or getting a massage. It's more private. And it's seductive, not social. All things seductive are about escalation and arousal. Seductive things turn you on physically, not mentally.

Dance is social. Massage is seductive.
Dance is mostly personal. Massage is interpersonal.
Dance is kinda selfish. Massage is giving/sharing.
Dance is mostly visual. Massage is kinesthetic.
Dance is entertaining. Massage is therapeutic.

Dance is of the ego (what looks good). Massage is of the body (what feels good).

"If seeing is believing, touching is knowing."

I know an amazing woman who is a 23 year old yoga teacher. She sometimes trades yoga instruction for other services. A 47 year old married man offers to trade a massage. He's not particularly attractive, and she doesn't particularly like him. He gives her a massage, they both get aroused, and as-nature-would-have-it, they fuck. Just like that.

I say it all the time: You don't have to master being social before you learn seduction. Put your time and attention where it counts. Learn massage.

You can dance if you want to, but massage is a far greater skill to have.

Massage trumps dance. Massage for the win.

Hands down. ;-)

GoneSavage

Courage > Confidence

Everyone talks about confidence. Mainstream dating talks about confidence. The community talks about confidence. The average man or woman on the street talks about the importance of having more confidence.

First of all, don't confuse confidence with competence. You may claim to want to be a more confident communicator or lover. But do you really? Wouldn't you rather just be a better communicator or lover? Wouldn't you rather simply be more skilled?

Confidence means: "belief in your own ability: self-assurance in your ability to succeed."

Competence means: "the ability to do something well, measured against a standard, especially ability acquired through experience or training."

There it is. Do you simply want belief in your ability, or do you want the actual ability?

Confidence can signal competence. But correlation is not causation. It is competence that breeds both success and confidence.

Confidence can be faked. False confidence -- delusional confidence -- looks the same as core confidence. This is the essence of "fake it until you make it." But competence -- actual skill -- cannot be faked.

Competence > Confidence

So how do you gain competence? Experience. Practice. Momentum.

So how do you gain experience and momentum? Courage.

Courage > Confidence

Confidence means: "belief in your own ability: self-assurance in your ability to succeed."

Courage means: "the ability to face difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action."

Once again, do you want belief in your ability, or do you want the actual ability?

Confidence is an attitude. Courage is an ability. It implies action.

Confidence means acting with some assurance of success. Courage means acting despite having no assurance whatsoever.

Confidence says "act as if," while courage says, "ACT ANYWAY."

The frustration of being a beginner at anything can elevate the desire to be confident. When you haven’t built up skill, a lack of success can be painful. The response is often a desire for more confidence. This is a bit misguided.

Confidence is overrated. The only way to succeed is to continue to try, while making adjustments from experience and feedback. The path toward experience and feedback is having the courage to take action.

Many guys try to shortcut the beginner's process by faking a greater level of confidence than their skill allows. Negative feedback starts to undermine the false confidence and it becomes difficult to sustain.

Worse, by assuming a level of confidence above your skill, you cut off opportunities to learn. Instead of recognizing feedback and calibrating from it, you ignore it. Eventually you give up because you refuse to learn from your mistakes.

It is confidence that has you trying to avoid failure. It is confidence that convinces you to ignore fear.

Courage embraces fear. Courage is recognizing that something else is more important than the fear. Courage is making a choice to take action IN SPITE of fear.

Futhermore, courage does not imply any particular skill level. We all need to practice courage with humility and remain open to the possibility of improvement.

It takes courage to open, courage to escalate, courage to be authentic. Not confidence.

Courage trumps confidence.

GoneSavage

Passion > Excitement

Passion trumps excitement.

Excitement is how you feel when you discover something new and novel. Passion is pouring your heart and soul into something for years.

Excitement is fleeting. Passion is what you live for.

Excitement is shallow. Passion runs deep.

Excitement can be faked. Passion cannot.

Excitement is external. Passion comes from within.

Excitement is seeing your favorite band play live. Passion is loving music.

Excitement is exploring a new city. Passion is travel.

Excitement is a playmate. Passion is a soulmate.

Excitement is arousal. Passion is love.

See where I'm headed?

Have a passion for learning. Have excitement for techniques.

Have a passion for growth. Have excitement for results.

Have a passion for seduction. Have excitement for pickup.

Have a passion for connection. Have excitement for dating.

Have a passion for sex. Have excitement for new partners, new positions, or new sensations.

Passion is loving women. Excitement is the adventure of getting to know any given woman.

What else?